Since You’ve Been Gone

Since you’ve been gone:

 

·                    So I hear that some girl used Mica’s head like a cup holder, and get this, she didn’t go all Rosie Perez on her.  I signed up to write on this blog because I was promised a Cuban with more gangsta lean than D.R.S.  I was promised a Cuban with big hair and a bigger attitude that ran Chi-town like Angelina Jolie runs Brad Pitt. I was promised Suge Knight with tits.  Now I feel lied to.  I am not going to jump back into this blogging thing full force until Mica punches someone in the face….I want retribution.  

·                    I have been experiencing post-election depression.  My life seems so empty, Keith Olbermann is no longer my man-crush; Joe the plumber is back to NASCAR and blaming minorities for all his problems.  I have tried to fill my election hole with everything form drugs to women to voting in meaningless contests like dancing with the stars or Hot or Not.com. 

·                    Every time I begin to feel morose I google “44^th president of the United States and I am immediately taken to my happy place.  

·                    I have been kicked out of three bars in the past two weeks, and the kicker is I was sober for 2 of those incidents.  Scenario two takes the cake…we were kicked out because we looked like we were dealing drugs.  I know y’all have no clue what my lovely visage looks like, but trust me, I do not resemble a drug dealer…drug user yes, but not a dealer.  They said we were spending money like we were dealers…I tried to tell the bouncers that we were spending a lot of money because we were insecure men trying to make up for our deficiencies with alcohol. 

·                    I wonder how many times McCain has cried since the election.

·                    I wonder how many times Sara Palin has seen Russia since the election.

·                    I have a strange fascination with the E-trade baby that is bordering on Selena like fanaticism.  Every time the commercial comes on I turn off and am in an immediate trance, that baby is fuckin hilarious, in a very eerie way.  I want to adopt him just for him to order me around.    

·                    The receptionist at my work is an old white woman and every time a rap song appears on the T.V. or plays on the radio she assumes it’s 50 cent.  50 cent has become so popular that old white women think he is the only rapper aliveà weird. 

·                    Why are there brail dots on drive thru ATMs? 

·                    Did you guys hear about that nine year old kid that wrote a book on How to Talk to Girls?  That kid is either going to impregnate a girl by the 8^th grade or grow up to be gay. 

·                    You know who should pay for the auto industry bailout….wait for it…….wait for it……The oil industry.  Why don’t they use some of the windfall profits to save their prized accomplice?  Seriously, I should be in Obama’s cabinet.

·                    I was cock-blocked the other night by this broad’s little fat male cheerleader friend.  How can another man block the cock of a fellow man?  This is sacrilegious!  I had her sex in the palm of my hand, and by the time I was destroyed by cheer boy, all I could use was the palm of my hand.   

·                    I was also cock blocked by the unforgiving winter weather of the 3^rd world state I live in, Michigan.  I took a lovely whore home from the bar on Saturday night, which means that not only am I charming but I may also have the human papaloma virus; but I digress.  As the heat began to rise, so did other things, and I began to take my pants off, only to realize that I had a pair of long underwear on underneath.  We were both pretty inebriated……and stoned, it was so funny that the mood was ruined and we laughed until we passed out.  The irony of the whole story is that I was questioning whether I could get into her pants, but the problem became getting into mine. 

·                    When I heard that Derrick Rose “accidentally” slashed himself cutting apples my mind began to run rampant trying to conceive the true story.  The story I cam up with is that Derrick Rose has a friend of ill repute hanging around him that keeps a razor blade under his tongue a la 2Pac in above the rim.  They got into an argument because the friend didn’t flush after dropping a deuce.  D-Rose confronted him while eating an apple and was slashed.  The End.    

Political Einstein

Before we get started I would like to congratulate Sarah Palin the soon to be grandmother for the wonderful bundle of joy that is only 4 months away.  I mean nothing says stringent Christian family values than an unwed pregnant 17 year old Alaskan high school student named Bristol.  Maybe if Palin supported sex ed in school instead of only supporting abstinence education her daughter wouldn’t have become a statistic. I am surprised that the Palin’s didn’t try to convince us that their daughter conceived the child through immaculate means.  Jesus finally has a sibling. 

 

Second and this is actually more important than the first- Does anyone in New Orleans know if Lil’ Wayne or Emeril are alright?  Is there a reason MTV and The Food Network aren’t feeding me live updates as to their safety and whereabouts?  I am extremely worried; do something Georgia Bush.

 

A small qualifier before I delve into my analysis.  I am a liberal- sans bleeding heart.  I believe in gay stem cell research performed in the back of a Prius.  I don’t want guns to ever meet the hands of crazy people- and yeah I’m looking at you Cheney.  I would like the public school system to be able to actually educate the kids, even if they are not white, rich, or my own kids.  I would like the government to take care of the big stuff- health care, national security, national infrastructural strength, the poor, and the old- and I am down to pay higher taxes for it.

 

I work at a crisis management firm by day and I moonlight with The Michigan Democratic party, where the majority of my time is spent working with the district office of Senator Carl Levin.

 

I develop advertising campaigns by day, politic by evening, and smoke a lot of marijuana by night…I also may have an STD or two since I am a sexually active 25 year old that loathes the use of condoms.  Since you now know me, I will now proselytize. 

 

I believe that if women go with their menstrual flow and vote McCain based simply on the fact that they are genital doppelgangers with Palin then they should lose the right to vote.  This was not Stanton’s dream.

 

I made that last argument around some of my Republican friends and they told me that there is no difference since black folks vote Obama simply based on skin color.  So neither his Harvard education nor his position as a constitutional law expert at the Univ. of Chicago had an affect on the black voters.  If being black carried with it that kind of political success why didn’t Kerry nominate Flava Flav as his running mate in ’04.  Why didn’t Will Smith skip making Hancock, which he should have skipped anyways, and run for president instead.  Or we could have stolen the white vote and black vote by nominating Robert Downey Jr. and his black face makeup from Tropic Thunder.

 

Three months ago during an interview Sarah claimed that she did not want to be considered for Veep because she didn’t know what the Veep did.

  I don’t know what to say here except thanks McCain…I thought you were going to at least try to win.  McCain picking Palin is the equivalent of going on American Idol and claiming you have laryngitis.  It creates an easy excuse for failure, when you think that going balls to the wall will still result in a loss. 

 

McCain’s wife is a beauty queen as is his running mate.  At least we know he has a Miss America fetish.  The only thing creepier than Johnny Mac now is a Catholic priest walking out of a confessional holding the hand of a 12 year old boy. 

 

Palin will be to women what Clarence Thomas is to black America….a complete and abject failure. 

 

When Palin began talking about her Downs Syndrome inflicted child for a second I thought she was talking about Georgia Bush.

 

Why does McCain call Obama an elitist while running for the highest office in the land?  The only thing more elite than running for president would be running for God.

 

I hate that cheap tricks like the painting of Obama as an elitist or choosing a woman simply to pander to idiot America sometimes works.  These tricks sway the swing voters because swing voters are dumb.  There should be a certain amount of time put into self education before you are allowed to vote.  

 

I will be back with more insight soon, but in the meantime here is something wonderful to keep you busy while you wait for my next post.